How can I live happily with infertility? I know it is bold to say but trust me you can live happily with infertility. I know too well the struggles of dashed hopes, broken dreams and the unfulfilled void of the family I’ve always imagined and longed for. But, I'm one of the lucky ones, I've filled that void. Actually, the void is overflowing. I have immersed myself in life that I love.

I'm childless after two years of IVF, but I feel far from loveless. While my life doesn't look like I imagined it to look right now, I'm choosing not to ruin the preciousness of this moment by focusing on lack and missing out. Infertility has opened my eyes to just how much of miracle my existence is and I intend on doing my best to live in appreciation of my one precious life. I wholeheartedly encourage you to join me.

So over the past few months, I've had to sit with giant waves of sadness and it's been tough, but here are some tips that have helped me live happily with my sadness.

1. Sit with the sadness

Grief is with me always, and I have moments of deep sadness. When these moments come I sit with the sadness. I acknowledge it for what it is. I don't judge it or label it or try to analysis it. It doesn't need my judgement, and it needs my stillness. When a sad or negative thought comes into my mind. I say to myself, "Oh, there you are again thought," because without a doubt I've thought it before. It may just read a little different, but I know it is often the same negative thoughts on repeat in my mind. These thoughts are just dressed up differently. Negative thoughts stem from a place of fear. Know that these thoughts are not your truth, these thoughts are not who you are, let them go by without judgement and without attaching a story.

2. Kinesiology

Kinesiology uses muscle testing to identify imbalances in emotional and other energy, and in the body as a whole. My incredible Kinesiologist Rachel Smith is god sent and has helped me to align my mind, body, and spirit. She is an absolute angel. I can't recommend her enough. She gives me practical strategies and useful take-home activities that help me cope. Each session I'm also given a remedy to take home to put under my tongue, and each remedy helps with a different emotion. I honestly don't know how I would be without her. Check out the Resources - Holistic Healthpage on this site for more information.

3. Get into nature

I must admit I'm not the best at this one, but I know it is so incredibly beneficial to get out amongst nature. It may be a walk in the park after work, or at lunch, or even a swim in the ocean. Whatever you can manage, try at least once a day to get outdoors and be at one with mother nature. She's the best healer of them all!

4. Be kind to yourself

When I'm feeling down, I make sure I'm extra kind and gentle to myself. I do something that fills me up, like go for a walk or massage, or facial, or catch up with a good friend. I give myself a foot soak, or have Epsom bath, or go to yoga class, or I read a good book. I FaceTime my cute little nephew and so on. Whatever lights you up inside, do it whenever you can. Be incredibly kind to yourself.

5. Connect with people who get it

Someone recently asked me what the Together We Wait meetups are like and what they're all about. Here is my response in which I share just how valuable it is to connect with other people who understand.

I'm personally so grateful to have these ladies in my life. It has benefited me greatly to share my everyday struggles with women that genuinely understand. There is something next level about coming together with others on the grounds of a shared understanding. Also, this is a bit deep, but I want you to know what it is like at meetup without having been to a meetup. I want you to feel comfortable and not add any additional anxiety to your life. When these women tell me their stories, I get it. I think to myself 'I don't know how she does this,' she's so strong, so courageous. When I share my story, and they get it. Afterwards, I think to myself WOW I'm strong too. What I mean to say is that when I meet these women, I see myself in them, as will you too. You will see yourself reflected back by these real-life examples of your everyday strength, your courage, your hope, your vulnerability, and your downright heroism. It is an amazing experience. We laugh together, sometimes cry together, but mostly we just cope together.

I hope my five little tips on living happily with infertility help you.

Much love,

Kit x

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Many people struggling with fertility issues are often either referred by their General Practitioner to go down the path of IVF or they have no other option.

My practice is about holistic healing. It’s the opposite of IVF, which by its very nature is invasive. IVF is also expensive and hard on the body. However, that said, I do respect that every situation is unique and for some IVF is the only option. I’d just like you to understand all your options up front and also other natural practices that can accompany IVF.

How does holistic healing work to improve fertility?

Holistic healing looks at the whole person. Mind, body and spirit. It seeks to achieve balance, using natural, non-invasive methods including acupuncture, massage and aromatherapy amongst others.

So often, women who are having difficulty conceiving are out of balance. The desire for children alone can increase that imbalance. It adds worry and stress.

There are many stories of couples whose IVF failed, then they went away on a break to relax and recover – and ended up conceiving naturally. That’s what happens when you take away stress. And the same thing can happen with natural healing treatments.

Therapies I use to encourage fertility

When clients want help conceiving or bearing a child, I need to know all about them. So many factors affect fertility. Weight. Lifestyle. Diet. Regularity of the cycle. Even how long you've been trying to conceive - it affects your stress and your hormones.

Understanding all of these means I can develop a personal plan for you, the whole person. It’s likely to include:

AcupunctureMassageAromatherapyDietary changesCounselling

I am also qualified in other therapies such as theta healing, reiki and polarity balancing, which may be appropriate.

By the time someone comes to me for help with fertility, they are in serious need. Why not do everything possible to help them conceive?

My history with fertility treatment

I still remember my very first patient who became pregnant, nearly 20 years ago. I was actually treating her for back pain at the time! She was quite a large lady, with 2 prolapsed discs. She was booked in for IVF, and when she went to the doctor, he told her she was already 7 months pregnant! Imagine her surprise! He asked what she'd been doing, and the only change she'd made to her life was the acupuncture with me.

I’ve treated dozens of women since then. A recent success was Bianca, who came to me in June 2015 after a series of miscarriages and IVF treatments. Her baby girl was born in March 2016, less than a year later.

The role of acupuncture in treating fertility

Acupuncture works on the energy systems of the body. It doesn’t just release qi (energy), it also improves blood circulation. The whole aim of acupuncture is to release blockages.

Better flow of blood and qi in general means less stress, which improves fertility outcomes. But beyond that, acupuncture also improves blood flow to the uterus, releases blockage in the female organs and boosts the ovaries.

Another interesting scenario is women who have been on the Pill, but now want to become pregnant. The Pill suppresses the body's natural hormones and rhythms. Even when you stop taking it, your body is out of sync. Acupuncture can help to realign the body and get natural cycles going again.

What about acupuncture while you're having IVF?

Acupuncture can be used alongside just about any treatment. It doesn't interfere or interact in the way a drug might! So combining acupuncture and IVF is just fine. In fact, acupuncture can help manage side effects of the IVF drugs, which can be quite demanding on the body.

Having said that, my experience is more with clients who come to me after IVF has failed. Either the egg didn't implant, or they miscarried.

Holistic healing can work before, after or during IVF.

What about acupuncture during pregnancy?

Think back to that first client of mine - the one I was treating for back pain. She went on having acupuncture treatments right up till she was 7 months pregnant and her child was just fine!

All the same, please tell your practitioner if you’re pregnant. He or she can tailor your treatment to look after both you and your baby as well as possible. Some acupuncture points are not recommended during pregnancy. Using other acupuncture points can help carry your baby safely to term.

In Conclusion

If you’re struggling with fertility issues, remember these key points

The stress of trying to conceive can be one reason you don’t conceive! Start by reducing stress.Consider holistic healing alongside or even instead of IVF.Always talk to all your practitioners, so they know everything you are doing and can tailor your treatment.Acupuncture is perfectly safe even when you’re pregnant.

If you’d like to know more about natural treatments for infertility, just get in touch here.

***

By the way, there's another funny story about Bianca. She and her husband didn't want to know the sex of their baby before birth. But her mother-in-law did. She wanted to start knitting! So I checked her pulses & her baby bump shape - both indicated it was a girl. I was able to email Bianca's mother-in-law and tell her in advance, while keeping the surprise for the happy parents. And little baby Mia had plenty of pink woollens to keep her warm.

Once upon a time as soon as I thought of something I wanted, I expected it, and sure enough, I'd have it. My expectations were that I'd be complete and happy when this desire came to fruition. Naive, I know.

I call this my frivolous search for completeness. For me it goes a little something like this, I'd be happy when;

I left school in year 11.

I travelled with boyfriend (now husband).

I got that promotion.

We brought our first home.

We sold that home.

We travelled again, and again.

I started to study.

I changed jobs.

I changed careers.

Now don't get me wrong these experiences did bring me happiness, but not the grounding breaking life-affirming happiness that I expected. There is much more to happiness then meets the eye.

I've found that it is the expectation and empty search for completeness that has been the catalyst for a big part of my suffering during our infertility and IVF struggles.

When the frivolous search for completeness turned to "I will be happy and complete when we have a family." When that expectation has not been fulfilled for a long time, I have found the very core of my problem. It is not what I desire, but rather the story I tell myself about completeness and happiness as result of having that desire fulfilled.

After 14 months of fertility struggles, I've stopped searching for completeness, because I found something really beautiful through my heartache. I found that I'm already whole, I'm already love, I'm already happy, I'm already worthy, and I'm already complete. There is nothing that can change that because that is what I have chosen. It is always a choice. It has always been there ready and waiting for me. When I couldn't see it, I was simply choosing not to.

Here is my message to you, you too are in fact complete, and you too are in fact already whole, you have always been this way, and nothing will ever change that. No struggle, no wait, no unfulfilled exception. I promise you this. Stop searching frivolously for something you already possess. Go forward knowing you darling are already complete.

Much love,

Kit xx

Today I celebrate the last day of being 33.

Despite this age not bringing me the things I asked for, as I reflect, I realise that the past 12 months has brought me so much more.

So rather than saying good riddance to 33, or worrying that tomorrow that number goes up to 34, I’m just going to celebrate and say thank you 33, for all the great stuff that you did bring.

Thank you for teaching me just how resilient I am.

Thank you for teaching me patience.

Thank you for teaching me that it is ok not to be ok sometimes.

Thank you for teaching me perspective.

Thank you for teaching me to look for and focus on the positives.

Thank you for teaching me to use my voice to help others.

Thank you for helping me find my purpose and my passion.

Thank you for the new friendships I’ve found through infertility.

Thank you for teaching me to appreciate just how amazing my body is no matter its form.

Thank you for every hurdle, every set back and every challenge you’ve thrown my way.

Thank you for teaching me to be confident in my abilities.

Thank you for teaching me to appreciate who I am and what I’ve got.

Thank you for teaching me to embrace who I am.

Thank you for teaching me to be grateful for every experience I’m fortunate enough to have.

And with that I say goodbye 33 and helloooooooooooooooooooooo 34!!

I knew that doing an embryo transfer in December would be a bit tricky. Sounds silly, but the reason I knew it would be tricky, was that with December comes Christmas parties - both in and outside of work, and with any party comes drinking.... And when you don't drink at parties you are inevitably asked the question "are you pregnant?" or for those less intrusive you ask "why aren't you drinking?".

I decided in the spirit of trying to help delete the stigma associated with infertility, that I'd be honest. I kept my response pretty simple, and my standard answer was "I'm doing IVF at the moment, so no drinking for me."

Well, talk about a conversation stopper. And I work in Human Resources (or People & Culture as I prefer to call it), so I've seen a few conversation stoppers in my time. But this took the cake. People became super uncomfortable and awkward. And it was like they couldn't get away or change the topic fast enough. To be fair, this wasn't everyone, some people did ask me questions about IVF, what's involved and what's it like to go through, but every one of those people had either experienced infertility themselves or had a close friend or family member go through it.

For those who I made feel awkward, I'm really not sorry about that. I did know just how awkward you were, and I could see it on your face, hear it in your voice and feel it in the air. But each and every time I chose not to let your awkwardness make me feel awkward, and I most certainly didn't let it make me feel ashamed.

Now I know that none of these people ever intended to make me feel that way, these were all good peeps after all, but it made me realise just how much we avoid taking about the hard stuff. From infertility, miscarriage, cancer, death, mental health and everything else that is tough to experience, we chose not to talk about these things and how it affects us, and I don't think that is really because we are worried about saying the wrong thing to the person who is going through this. I believe that it's because of our human instinct to feel uncomfortable having difficult conversations. I think it's because it's a sad, negative, god damn awful thing to experience, and when people talk about their struggles and the tough time they are going through, it, in turn, makes us feel sad, awkward and negative - all the things we don't want to feel. Maybe it also reminds us that we aren't immune. That if something like this can happen to someone we know, then maybe it can happen to you too. And there is a whole lot of fear with that thought right there.

But that doesn't mean we should avoid these conversations. In fact, to me, it means that we need to have more conversations. Cause the more we talk about things, the more knowledge we gain, the less fear we have and the less difficult and awkward things become. Chances are we will not only learn something, but we will also help the person who is going through this tough experience.

So next time someone starts talking to you about something that they are going through that makes you feel awkward, try holding a conversation for a minute or two. You'd be surprised how quickly those awkward feelings disappear and are replaced with curiosity, intrigue, and compassion. If you're not sure where to start, depending on the context of the conversation, perhaps you could say, "I don't know what you are going through, but if you'd like to talk about it, I'm here to listen." or "I'm sorry for your loss/ what you are experiencing, is it something you'd like to talk about?".

And for those going through the difficult situation, I encourage you to talk about it. If not to help delete the stigma, then do it for yourself - the act of talking to someone else has merit in itself.

- Marnie xx

P.S that embryo transfer was unsuccessful, and that's ok - I'm ok, and I'm ok to talk about it :)

‘Your suffering happened for you, not to you’ ~ Rebecca Campbell

Over the past five months, I have found more purpose in my life than ever before. After our non-viable frozen embryo transfer in March, and the health concerns that followed, I was ‘face down in the arena’ (Dr. Brené Brown) so to speak. I quit my job and traveled with my husband to find peace in all the suffering. But in retrospect, while I wouldn’t take any of it back, I now know that I was seeking an escape from my pain. I didn’t want to sit with the hurt. To be honest, I was genuinely afraid of what I would learn about myself.

The pain of not “yet” having the family I have always dreamed of, has at times lead me down the dangerous path of playing the victim. Not that long ago I was an absolute mess. Often I’d question his (God’s) reasoning for my suffering. I would cry, and demand to know why. I’d state his injustice, and question what I had done to deserve this pain. In turn, I’d retreat into the mentality that the universe was conspiring against me!

But this couldn’t continue. It was not healthy for me or anyone around me. So each day, I made a pledge to never stop showing up for myself. I may cry and question, but I will never let my suffering consume or define me. I made a promise always to back myself, regardless of how shit I feel. It’s tough. It’s hard. But, not nearly as tough and hard as it to give up on myself.

I found that my suffering was a disguise for my greatest gift to the world. My suffering has to ushered to my purpose in life. In typical #girlboss resourcefulness, I took to the people around me for help. Through journaling and meditation, I tuned into my pain. I started to observe my relationships with my loved ones and thought of ways to better our connection. I write about how I feel. I keep searching for the lessons in my suffering. I call this my never ending life learning.

It was no surprise that not long after sharing my mission for Together We Wait (TWW) via The Beauty Dean (my beauty blog), I was contracted by Marnie. Marnie is now my friend and partner in TWW. We hit it off! Sharing the pain of our personal fertility struggles, I felt the weight lift off my shoulders. I felt more in control of my pain by knowing that I wasn’t the only women on the planet feeling this way. Marnie got it! She understood my heartbreak, and as I did hers. We now have the beautiful friendship and have started this amazing community. Meeting Marnie and starting TWW is one of the greatest gifts of all my suffering!

We are committed to creating a community that brings people together in this otherwise isolating journey. I wake up in the morning to do this. It is my calling. It is my purpose. Together We Wait has shown me that my suffering has happened for me!

If you are face down in the arena right now, and you are questioning your heartbreak, please remember to always show up for yourself and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Do not forget to listen to your needs, follow your instincts and be true to yourself.

Much Love, Kit xx

Earlier this week, I published a link via the Together We Wait Facebook page to an article written by Louise Williams. In this article, Louise describes her personal infertility journey and grief. She writes about how the silent suffering of infertility actually compounds the grief experienced. The words struck a cord with me:

“Silence compounds complicated grief. Silence keeps ignorant those who don’t understand from experience; it leaves them unable to predict the world of pain that might be invoked by that seemingly harmless question of asking a childless couple if they are going to have kids. Silence leaves those people who are coping with infertility unsupported by their communities. And the silence also keeps the experience mysterious, and therefore, pitiable and dangerous, something to be feared.” (Louise Williams, The Guardian, 6 June 2014)

I wholeheartedly agree with Louise. I found that when I started to open up about our infertility, my grief while still present felt more bearable. In opening up I allowed all the love and support in our lives to flow in. And that it did, in abundance. This love and support is what carries us through the darkest days.

But not everyone is ready or able to share, and I completely respect their decision. In turn I feel that the few of us who can and are open to sharing have a responsibility to ensure that the message is an authentic representation.

I am incredibly passionate about removing the shame that I once felt so that other women and men will never have this shame sidelining the main event of their infertility. I will be amongst the beneficiaries of this happening.

At Together We Wait, we want to correct some behaviours engrained in us and others when it comes to discussing and socially handling the topic of infertility. We want to educate and inform. We aim to provide people going through infertility with a support network filled with people that get it and understand in the real sense of the word.

Marnie and I have big dreams for Together We Wait, but we can’t do it alone. We need your help. Here is how you can help us:

If you are going through infertility, here are your options to get involved with Together We Wait. You can:

Help us make a difference! We are forever grateful.

Much Love, Kit xx

Email: contact@togetherwewait.com.au

Coming home after a truly memorable holiday has been a mixed bag of sentiments for me. I feel grateful to be home and back with our loved ones, plus being back to our cozy little apartment surrounded by the familiar is lovely. At the same time, I feel melancholy about our reality. The reality being that our cozy little apartment is sometimes deafening silent and I wish for nothing more than to it be filled with the pitter-patter of little footsteps and dare I say babies cry.

My life since April has changed dramatically, and lately, my thinking has been taken up with decisions of the future weighing heavily on my mind. I am still healing both mentally and physically from the non-viable IVF frozen embryo transfer (FET) we undertook in March, and some of the physical consequences are still rearing their ugly heads months after that devastating news. I haven’t felt myself since the non-viable FET. After all the tests and monitoring for an ectopic pregnancy, they seem to think I had a miscarriage at week 8, although it was never a viable pregnancy and I always knew I wasn’t pregnant. Does that make it feel any better? No, I assure you it doesn’t. I believe pain and grief are always relative.

Let me be honest with you I’m not ready for another FET; I’m afraid, more afraid than I’ve ever been. I think by delaying the next transfer I’m protecting myself and to be honest; I have the right to do so. For us conceiving a baby doesn’t consist of a glass of wine and romantic night. For us, it means continuous monitoring, blood tests, ultrasounds, extra progesterone for me and the joyous (sarcasm) hormonal symptoms that accompany that, anxious waiting for your body to do as it should, massive medical bills and every other emotion that comes with the waiting game of IVF. To think some people just have sex to have a baby blows my mind and fills me with envy.

Dan is very supportive of me and wants us to commit to another FET when I feel ready. After all, it is my body that has to go through the brunt of it, and Dan wants me to be in the right place. So what’s the plan as some people have asked? The plan is, we’ve learned not to plan, to be honest, we are sick of plans. We have not yet agreed to time or date for our next FET. At the moment we are focusing inwards and on each other.

Here is our non-plan plan; we might get a puppy, I will start uni again, we will laugh, we will cry, we will talk, we will heal, and we will LOVE. Right now I’m afraid; I will not always be, and I assure you we still have hope that we will have a baby one day. Our baby maybe the last remaining frozen embryo that we have or it could be one from another fresh cycle. I believe our baby will choose us when the time is right because let’s face it our destiny doesn’t give a shit about our plans!

Lots of Love, Kit xx

FYI: I have refrained from using the words “trying again” or “failed attempts” as these words make me feel like we didn’t try hard enough or we failed. The truth is none of this comes down to what we did or didn’t do; it comes done to nature and power beyond our control. So help me change the language we use when discussing IVF.

Warning: please don’t ask anyone going through IVF when they are going try again. Don’t you see they are trying, always, whether they’re engaged in an IVF cycle or not?

It seems strange to write the words thanks next to infertility. What an odd combo. I never thought I’d have anything to thank infertility for, other than sarcastically giving thanks for turning my life upside down, for the sleepless nights, the empty home, the loneliness, and not to forget the massive hole in our savings account. But I’m an eternal optimist, and I think every challenge in our lives presents us with lessons. Lessons that are invaluable and sacred to our unique experience. So without further adieu, this is my life lessons compliments of infertility.

I have learned how to be truly happy for others despite my misfortune.

We have and have had loads of family and friends fall pregnant during our time trying for a baby of our own. I’m not going to lie whenever I hear the news of another pregnancy I think to myself “Why not us?” or even “Why not me?” I have now learned to silence the part of me that says “I don’t deserve to be a mum.” “They have a baby because they will be a better mum than me.” While there is no denying when I hear the news of pregnancies or babies being born I always feel sad for myself and us. That said, I have never felt unhappy about the news itself. I believe that news of a baby is always the happiest news possible. So I always allow myself to feel both feelings, the happiness of a new life which is always an absolute blessing and then I let myself feel the sadness of our circumstances. This way the feelings never get mixed up or blurred. I am always happy for others and in turn allow myself to feel the sadness of my circumstance. (Side note: I allow myself to feel the sadness not wallow in it).

I have learned patience like never before.

I have learned to be patient. I think my new-found patience will serve me very well when I become a mum. IVF itself is so much of a waiting game… waiting for the next test, waiting for your blood test results, waiting in the waiting room, waiting for your doctor to phone, waiting for your pregnancy test and so on. Infertility on a bigger scale is a constant practice in patience. Patiently waiting for the miracle of life you so deserve. I am now more patient than ever!

I have learned to trust in the timing of my life.

A friend of ours reached out to us after our last non-viable attempt of IVF. She shared her story, and told us that someone once said to her that ‘your baby chooses you.’ So if she is reading this, thank you. I remind myself of this every day, I say to myself ‘our baby will choose us when the time is right.’ I believe this to be true, and now more than ever I leave my trust in the universe, and it’s divinely planned path for me.

I have learned to lean on others and in turn, I give them permission to do the same.

This one is the most beautiful lesson of them all. Since sharing our IVF journey, I have had many women reach out to me to share their stories. I have also been speaking with women currently going through IVF. It has inspired me to do more in this space, to create a community that encourages women, to be honest, and to share with others. I think there is a great benefit in creating a community of women that lift each other up and help another. So watch this space!

The moral of me sharing these lessons with you is to highlight to you all that in every heartbreak, sideways step or challenge in life there is always a ‘silver lining’ so to speak. The ‘silver lining’ being the lessons we have learned that ultimately make us more vulnerable, compassionate and loving human beings.

Lots of Love,

Kit

xx